consuelacooks

cooking, poetry, and unapologetic intense moments in a life

Month: July, 2013

On the eve of 40.

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It’s been a very long ride so far. And when I say this, I don’t mean arduous or labor-some. I mean it’s been a road I have done my best to make a pit stop on about every other exit. I have lived so, so many lives. I don’t take this for granted. I have traveled, worked, loved, made grievous errors, made incredible risky choices that did and did not work, died and come back to life on my own terms, been hurt, done the hurting, laughed out loud, cried with grief louder, been a loved and loving daughter, and had the best friends in the world.

 

The folks who are in my biological family know that this is a big deal. No one expected 40. It was a long shot. And now, I look forward to 70. I am in love with being alive. This is all new to me. I am so fortunate for second, third, and fourth chances.

I want to tell you all that in my life I have had the kindest, wildest, best hearts as my dearest friends. I have beautiful family. They are from all walks of life and regularly remind me as they are being human how far I have to go as a person. I am reminded each day what the difference between existing and living is. 

The bottom line of this blog post is:

Thank you.

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Dinner party for 20….

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Foodie food food.

So. I thought I would post some of these photos in case any of you were wondering what food looks like. I cook it all and only have pictures of things when people I know have I Phones and can capture them. Enjoy!

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WARNING! MELANCHOLIC MUSINGS! or Let’s just read the funny papers

I have terribly neglectful of this blog. I think it is the general lack of mindfulness I’ve been experiencing. The Berkshires beat on like beautiful retired war heroes yawning at the sky and my snow peas reach for that sky. There is a melancholic air to all and as I am like every other human I am trying to unpack the story.

So many bad dates. So many nights without sleep. A summer that gallops apace without me at the company where I work. A summer that isn’t at all what I thought it would be at the other work. It’s been over a month since my dear friend passed and a little over a month until another one marries. I turn 40 in 27 days. Is this where most are at this juncture? I would love to know if it is.

My Mom always asked why I did things the hard way. Even without purpose. Leaving home early, choosing to wait on marriage, choosing an impossible field to work in, choosing impossible places to live, being on the road living in a tent for so long, having such a long period of being so sick, and fighting for what I believe in as opposed to watching injustice happen (even if I never live to actually see results for that fight) are the things she doesn’t understand about me and also the things she respects the most.

Sometimes, not most- but sometimes I tire of it.

And then sometimes it becomes the song I sing.

And sometimes, just sometimes on a bleak and beautiful cool Berkshire morning like this as the fan hums and the cat perches in the window and there is stillness and quiet– at these times- at this time- I just want to read the newspaper with someone and sigh in the knowledge that I have a partner in crime- and rest easy in the knowledge that this partner will not now or any time for the rest of our time need or want to go anywhere else.

Can I have both? Certainly. I think. As I get older I am underwhelmed by wooing antics and proclamations of obsessive love. With so much experience in love comes a great responsibility to be patient while the other party meanders like a Cocker Spaniel puppy through their feeling world. Recklessly banging around and pawing and overturning food bowls in the name of excitement. What I need is a great long beautiful sophisticated Great Dane. One who knows who he is. One who is completely fine with the space he takes up in the world. One who is OK with my days of Saint Bernard and my days of Chihuahua.

But I digress. Adventures continue. Love will continue. Seasons will pound on in fours and August will come and go and I will enter in to my fifth decade.

I laugh every day out loud and don’t think for a moment that I take that for granted.

I am just missing that puzzle piece. That one little one that becomes the priority.

Henry Rollins says this perfectly-

“I want a soul mate who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me ten things I don’t already know, and make me laugh. I don’t care what you look like, just turn me on. And if you can do that, I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth. I will do your windows. I will care about your feelings. Just have something in there.”

And that pretty much sums it up.

 

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