Sandman. Or keep passing the open windows.

Muscle slips from bone 

shutter eyes begin a short story

It begins with something blue, some liquid

some pulse matter that wraps

even the fierce fire

in wet safety.

Each beat,breath cherishes the one before. They are all some celestial gift or some

fodder for butterfly kisses

each picture sneaks in a longer look at your sideways sleeping cheek

fleshy, soft, replete with

the most flight worthy birds

We whisper a secret in our tongues that only morning understands.

Fickle, fickle morning. Fickle first light.

The first light where you were most lovely.

Most lovely in that light.

Swim in this, and hold your breath.

Last night there was certain magic that occurred.  I slept well for the first in my new apartment. I think there might be a few contributing factors to this happening.

One:

This girl. Frances Maui. A new addition to my life. Smart, fast, beautiful. Kind. Funny. Sleeps under the covers with me.

Two:

The dinner.

Homemade Guacamole, Pico and lovely chips.

Slow roasted pork and tofu (Chipoltle peppers, Honey, Molasses, Cumin, Lemon Juice, Cashews, Almonds, Chocolate)

Couscous with Pine Nuts, Cilantro, Onions, and Tomatoes

Beets roasted in Malbec with Molasses, Cayenne and Sea Salt

Three:

The People. A lovely bunch. Jo, Luke, Caroline, James, Caitlin and I. And Franny the Cat. Who was on her best behavior. Like always. It filled up my heart, filled up the house, and filled the creaky spaces left with questionable energy with love.

Four:

I started writing again. Revisiting poetry from the past year. Sprucing it up. Humaning it. Making it breathe.

Post lizard-hunting activities

One day until wheels leave ground and I am airborne

And two three dancing at the derby and

Three four spine like I will travel down old paths

And old familiar eyes

Angels and batboys both need running shoes

And twenty years later will I say your name?

The house is burning, sweet Jesus- the smoke!

Skywise it puffs up like proud bird and God will go bowling soon

I’ll point my toes toward the red

If only for a day more

A night more

One love at a time at a viper’s speed

Pouncing on heart and freeing the room that was left

Behind years ago

Where falling leaves live, and earthworms the size of

Stormtroopers, cats the size of

Two-stories, hands the size of

Me.

And I pause for dreaming

I remember running, running so fast, so far in rain

At six or seven, running in stealth, me and Roberto

Fast with tight white Florida shirts baring

Arms, hands brown

Shorts baring brown legs, dirty knees

(post lizard hunting)

And that lightning could have pounded me in the chest as he

Closed in fast

Closed in grabbing

Arms tight closed in hard and fast

On pink mouth with kiss

And the rain ran down curiosity

The rain ran down a different take on Father

The rain ran down balloons and birthday scotch

I felt tongue muscle slide across wet bottom lip

Fierce Florida destitute forlorn poor kids

Learning the way to longer days

Punching the sky with boredom and new-found

Belly clenching activities

I don’t want to give, I say. I don’t want to

Have to quiet down.

I want to yell it scream it kick it whisper it

Bigger than my life before

I want to swim before and after by MY hand.

I want to keep my words, and my womb and my wicked hands

And throw them slowly to the sea

I want to learn 5 ways to say I desire you.

I want to be silent and only watch.

I want a different take on this all.

I want to rub chocolate on the white house and

Eat from my yard

I want to eat you like a whole almond, he said.

Me and time we see,

And I never knew the shape of trees in a hurricane.

And I love has never left me so full as these years, three

And I wait for your foot on the stair.

Doing what is right and cutting the tip of my thumb off.

 

 

So today I went in with my cohorts and did an Asian feast.

Spicy peanut Chicken: 20 pounds of chicken soaked in spicy peanut sauce. Peanut Sauce: Peanuts, Peanut Butter, Garlic, Chiplotle. Lime, Salt, Pepper, onions, Cumin. Did I mention Garlic? Chipoltle? Yes. Olive Oil. Orange juice. Cranberry Juice. As you were.

Ginger Teriyaki Pork and steak with peppers and onions: Flank Steak, Pork Loin, Teriyaki Sauce, four huge heads of Ginger, Garlic, Salt, Cumin, a bit of Cinnamon, a bit of Cranberry juice, Olive Oil… Add rice.

Homemade Spring Rolls! This is a lengthy process. Beware. It’s fun, but lengthy, you must have paitience. Shred these veggies- Yellow Squash, Zuchinni, Mushrooms, Carrots, Brusell sprouts, red peppers, green peppers, onions. Make a beautiful mix. These are pretty together. Add shredded fresh ginger and lime. Salt. Pepper- NOT to overpower the ginger. Ginger is key. Garlic. Take wonton wrappers into a diamond. Place mixture in middle. Wet top corner and do burrito wrap. Deep fry for 2 minutes. DO NOT LET ENTIRELY BROWN. Serve with peanut sauce, Ginger teriyaki Sauce and Sweet Chili Sauce. These are a game changer.

Today I learned this about the number 51:

51 is one of the most powerful numbers of the 6 series. Pandit Sethuraman opines that those whose names vibrate to this powerful number start from a humble origin* and advance to unimaginable heights. Ideas will flash like lightning and there will be an abundance of energy in both body and mind. Such people are able to work for very long hours, get less sleep but speedily progress to their goals. It is a very fortunate number.

• I have lived at a 51 for a year and am moving into a new 51 in less than a week. I am sure it means something.

There are a million endearing qualities about people. I tend to notice laughs. And good laugh lines. I witnessed these tonight while playing Cards Against Humanity. I cannot help but notice what is handsome or beautiful. I see it everywhere. Blessing/Curse.

So I am trying to do the right things. I am trying to be calm and push through. The whole December thing is waning and I feel more in control of my heart. I am sleeping more. Eating.  Being more aware. Being more caring. Having less fun. You know, as it all was before. But maybe there is that beautiful middle ground somewhere.

We start moving in soon. It feels real. It feels scary and exciting. And ultimately it feels much like a commitment which I am always adverse to. I am lucky, though. I am not in it alone. And I am finding that no matter what I do, surprisingly, I am NEVER in it alone.

I love you with so much of my heart that none is
	left to protest.- Beatrice

And flowers in her hair…

” I think I need to say to you that your aggressive nature when it comes to Ginger is powerful.”

-workshop participant.

I know there are a lot of extraordinary people out there who don’t choose to dumb things down or be careful with truths. I’d like to think the folks I surround myself with these days and in days past don’t care for that much either. We would all rather feel or taste or live extremely. Every kitchen I’ve cooked in or stage I’ve been on or actors I’ve directed or love affair I’ve entrenched myself in has changed me. It seems as if things won’t change much in that arena. Not at all.

Recent culinary efforts:

Fire soup: Roasted red peppers stuffed with garlic cloves and basil, drenched in lemon. Wait until they are black. Throw in simmer pot with five large diced onions and a ton of chipoltle. Throw in the Cuisinart. Serve (preferably) with grated asiago. By the way- Asiago spellchecks as Iago. That makes me happy.

Spicy Cilantro, Tomato and Mozzarella Quesadilla with Spicy Bean dip. Bean dip- Black beans, Garlic, Cilantro (fresh), Basil, Cumin, Chiopoltle powder. Black Pepper. Salt.

Easy Pico- Diced Onions, Diced Tomatoes, Cilantro (Fresh), Salt, Pepper, a bit of Apple Cider Vinegar, Cumin, Parsley, Chipoltle, Jalapenos (If you are not deathly allergic to them as I am)

Loch Ness Pork Loin: Two whole pork loins, trim the fat off and leave a little and then put fatty side down. Cut a divet in the middle of each about an inch. Cuisinart a Ton of Cilantro, Basil, Thyme, Maple Syrup, Olive Oil, Salt, Cumin and Lime and then pour first into the divet and then a generous coating on the rest. Stick a garlic clove in every 2 inches (Into the divet), sprinkle with bacon bits. 450 for 10 minutes, then 350 for 40. Let rest (It will be rare) keep in an oven at 250 for 20 minutes. It will be prefect. Moist and yummy.

I have to mention Caitlin’s Cilantro and Cheddar biscuits that adorned and fulfilled the Mexican meal and also her Cinnamon cheesecake which literally made me cry. Real tears. Maybe it was the push to get a Mexican feast of Tacos, Quesadillas, 2 Soups, Mex Veggies, Biscuits, and cheesecake (all from scratch mind you) ready for 80, but I don’t think so. I think it was the cheesecake.

I’m working on a Cassius speech for auditions. And also Juliet. Neither of them are careful with words. I’m pretty happy about that. I am trying to

a. Figure out what I want to do this summer

b. Move into a new apartment

c. Fall out of love

d. Cook for 80 in a spontaneous and beautiful understanding way

e. get ready for Sweeny Todd

f. Get ready to see twenty old friends who have known me forever and have seen me at my worst for the first time in two years

g. Go on a well deserved road trip with a cool girl

h. Take care of my body and try and get over this damn flu

i. Not fall into my pattern of believing I’m not enough.

j. still be in love with the world

That about sums it up.

I’m a lucky girl.

I love you.

Good Night.

Grace in her heart

Recap of days. 16 days until road trip. 8 days until apartment move in. 3 days until the flu is over. One more day of getting over things or not. One day more I get to spend with people I love. 14 more days of the workshop. 18 more seconds before I actually begin writing this blobbloahhg.

Flu, flu, ping pong, Seas of laundry. Pork loins. Pictures. Laughing. Missing. Strawberries. Getting accosted by workshop participants a bit. Loving. and loving. getting a sweater knitted for me. having hard talks. Missing people. Talking to far away friends. Laughing. Making epic mistakes. Fixing them. Eating Caravaggio cheese. Watching half a movie and then chucking the movie for a good conversation. Having pizza. Coughing a lot. Wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Knowing I am. Hating it. Really liking and disliking myself simultaneously. Wondering where all of the time went. Feeling 14. Flirting. Getting caught flirting. Getting extraordinary news that made me feel really valued. Getting passed over. Cooking my brains out and feeling really good about it. Having incredible girls around me. Spending time with people who make me want to be a better person. Have peace in my heart for the first time in two months. Missing the past two months. Loving.

Pork loin, awesome style– Two huge pork loins, create paste of fresh basil, cilantro, honey, lime and cumin, stuff with garlic cloves. add cinnamon, crank to 450 for 10 minutes to seal paste, cook at 350 for 45. Then salivate.

Orange chicken– cut that poultry up, throw some fresh thyme and oranges and cranberry juice with some currants into a cuis with some olive oil and a double shot of cayenne. slather, add fresh oranges to the top. 350 for a bit. yum.

Fresh roasted beets with shredded carrots, ginger, and radishes with garlic. Yum. Roast for a long time. Don’t get disheartened when it all turns purple. That’s the charm of beets, I guess.

Sitting under the yum yum tree soup (Named by Steffan the workshop participant)- Sweet potatoes with garlic, apples, oranges and ginger. Cook for 2 hours at a simmer. Add heavy cream, another 30 minutes, add butter, another 15. Cinnamon  nutmeg, clove, salt and a little pepper. Puree. add dry paprika. Salivate.

Buddha called, he found Nirvana soup. (Also named by Steffan) – Use a ton of Butternut squash and use above recipe. Better with Butternut. Not quite so sweet and better consistency. Make sure the ginger is fresh. And make sure you have enough for everyone. They get snarky if you don’t.

Gluten free Baby it’s cold outside soup– Quinoa, Sweet ground sausage, Diced tomatoes, Spinach, a few sweet potatoes, A little butter, fresh basil at the last moment. If gluten is not an issue this is really good with large barley. But must be fresh.

I will think of more of these later. Also the broccoli slaw recipe should go up soon. We did a birthday the other night for one of the lovely participants and she cried. It was beautiful Caitlin outdid herself with an earl grey frosting on a vanilla cake and I made roses out of the rinds of oranges and lemons. It was pretty special.

I make the wrong folks priorities sometimes. I should just focus on what is in front of me, i imagine. I have a lot to love that gives back always. It was very foggy today and I thought of the idea of home.

Home is people for me. Home is touch and taste and eyes. I am home.

Big Girl Undies

” Your Chili was so good I don’t know whether to kiss you or slap you in the face to restore order to the world.”

-Gluten Free guy in the Month long Intensive on his second bowl of Cincinnati Chili

In brief. Comfort food aplenty. Spaghetti and Meatballs, sauteed Kale, Lime and Cilantro Chicken, yada yada yada….

But the Chili was good. Yes it was. Sweet and delish.

So today was full of text messages I wish I could take back and some I want to save because they are that funny, but mostly I ran from that sad bus all day. There didn’t seem to be a song I could play, a person I could talk to, a food I could eat, or a picture I could love enough to shake these stupid blues. This 48 hour thing is horse shit. I guess you just miss someone until you don’t. And then what? But I am learning the cyclical nature of the whole beast. It only ever lasts half an hour. Ride it out and it will move through, I found.

Today was a myriad of musical offerings. In the kitch, I mean. Ice Cube, Eminem, Aphex Twin, Trampled By Turtles, Skynard, Sex Pistols, Amy Grant, Glee, Janet Jackson, Butthole Surfers, etc. It never really gets boring.

Today because of my cooking I was proposed to three times and propositioned twice and winked at a few times. I like the winks the best. The redhead just waves. Actually that is the best. The waving. Freckles around the eyes get me every time.

Every time.

It’s really time to put on big girl undies and quit this boo-hoo stuff. I am really lucky. I have awesome comrades and even better besties. I have a great fam and I love to have fun. Too much. All the time. I’m good at things and I’m easy on the eyes.

Applying big girl undies? Now.

Maybe I should just go on that date. Maybe I just need to be treated to something.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day of cooking. Boss man leaves early and it is us! Just us! Little Sous Chef and her cohorts. We will rock it. We will make Chef Ron proud.

And we will sing and have fun and say tremendously dirty things to each other.

Because that’s how we roll at Larry Hall Kitch.

“What do I do when they all fade?”, she said. ” Do I imagine them there or do I forget?”

She said… ” Each one was a deliberate moment of touchingnd each was a promise.” 

She said…” Each is a hand print of eloquent love, of raw want, and of maps to new worlds.”

BS

Let’s talk about Brussel Sprouts.

They are one of my favorite veggies, if not my absolute. Why do people cringe at the very thought of them?

Because our youthful and naive families believed that the only way to cook them was to boil them. AWFUL TRUTH.

The Brussel sprout is a lot like the sign of Cancer. It wears its heart on it’s sleeve. It doesn’t want to fool around with going back to the water. It’s loving and full and beautiful. It doesn’t want conflict. It’s a lover. Not a fighter.

When I make these beauties I chop them in half, throw some garlic and olive oil on them, salt and pepper them and saute them right until they get a little crispy, throw a dash of balsamic on them and remove from heat. Eat them immediately so’s ya get a little bit of the crunch   and sit back and taste the vegan earth (or whatever). For those who dare: throw bacon in with that shit. That’s the real yum. For those a little more daring? Throw a bit of cream cheese in after the balsamic WITH the bacon and you will have what the French call la petite mort.

And never shall have length of life enough
To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes
that it may grow and sprout as high as Heaven
-Henry Iv, Part II

la petite mort

48 hours.

They say 48 hours cures the addiction to most things. The physical one. But what cures the heart of it? A Month? A year? Is it like Fitzgerald said? ” From which they never recovered” ?

Perhaps. We’ll see.

Cooking comes from love or it is all wrong. If only we could pour that sentiment into each other we would be a marvelous nation of people.

Icarus had it made.

I work in a crazy wonderful place

For today there was a wide variety of lovely foods. Also laughing. There was a lot of laughing. The Intensive participants are on their 11th day of training and the days just seem to get longer and longer. There are a certain number of them you have to love a little. Endearing and beautiful. Always grateful. Even when sad. I adore this group. I sure do.

Cooking for 80 is no slouch. In particular when everything needs to be fresh, Vegetarian, Vegan, Kosher, or Gluten Free. We don’t succeed at all of these, but we sure try. It’s a very fun challenge.

LUNCH!

Soups-

Vegan Spinach and Potato, Lemon Basil Chicken with Tomato

Main Fare

Chef Ron’s Mac-n-Cheese

Basil Balsamic Orange Chicken

Roasted Beets with Carrots, Radishes and Ginger

Cilantro Pesto Squash and Zucchini

3 Bean Balsamic and Orange Spinach Salad

DINNER

Chef Ron’s Meatloaf

Garlic Balsamic Sauteed Brussel Sprouts

Vegan Mashed Potatoes (Cait’s beautiful creation)

Salads: 3 Bean Balsamic and Orange Spinach, Brussel Sprout Shred with Strawberries, Apples and Honey Cream dressing, Tangy Chicken with Oranges and Strawberries

Chocolate Chip Cookies!

I was able to avoid those down times where I get very blue today by taking a wonderful trip out to Mount Everett High to recruit goobers for Sweeny Todd’s Tech team. It was really good to see them all again. I adore the school. And the kids. It was like a hug. Also the pace of the kitch today did not lend itself to being thoughtful. Mindful, yes. But not thoughtful.

I spoke to Pop today and his spirits are stellar. I miss him.

I talked to Raleigh today and I cannot wait to fold it in my arms for 3 days. And I can’t wait to show it off to Caitlin. I am replacing one thing with another, and I realize it every step of the way… But isn’t that what humans do? They make themselves feel better? I am not fond of misery. I like fun. I like love. I like loving. And above all, I am not angry. Not about the past two months. I am elated, and so, so thankful.

It was the best time I’ve had since I came back to life. And with the best of people. And now I’m ready to take it forward and give it away.

I’ve been doing this photo thing this month. The subject is the bizarre and the beautiful. I find some knockout beautiful thing in every photo I post. I get comments like, “Creepy…” and “GROSS!”, but I don’t see it that way.

My friend Andrew once said to me as I looked wistful and opened my mouth to speak, ” You’re going to say something about the beauty of the world or humanity or raw sexuality now, aren’t you?” I think it was a joke.

But I was.

Get out!:

There is hardly a hard I think of practical matters more than the matters of the heart.